Mayor: Vancouver’s Riot Prevention Plan a Complete Success

Project Coordinator and LA Kings goalie Jonathan Quick carries the Conn Smythe trophy after the Stanley Cup final.

VANCOUVER: When Mayor Gregor Robertson revealed Vancouver’s riot prevention plan in late March, it was ridiculed as being tantamount to doing nothing. Robertson took the criticism in stride as what city officials dubbed “Project Janus” took hold. After the LA Kings won the Stanley Cup on Monday, Mayor Robertson announced that Project Janus was in fact, successful.

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Family Stickers

I hate driving, mostly because I’m an awesome driver and everyone else is horrible. I drive a lot and I’ve noticed that it’s incredibly easy to stereotype people by race, gender, or intellect. Intellect is especially easy because you can just go by bumper stickers. If they have one (which I’ve found to be unlikely as collecting bumper stickers seems to be addicting for most people), odds are they’re an idiot — especially if it’s one crusading some kind of social cause, or if it’s one that is really stupid but they probably think is clever (like, “Without men civilization would last until the oil needed changing” or “Driver carries no cash — he’s married!” —  BRILLIANT).

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Beth Ditto’s Fatness Gets in the Way of Her Stinging Critique on Marilyn Monroe Worship

Noted fatty Beth Ditto dares to sully Monroe’s overused-and-abused name.

If you heard anything about the Gossip’s performance of Candle in the Wind at Cannes, it probably went to the tune of either, “Why did she ruin such an amazing song” or “She doesn’t understand the poignancy of Toppin’s lyrics or Monroe’s legacy,” or — most likely — “Hey, Beth Ditto’s fat.” Read the rest of this entry »

Google “The Pletteau”

One of the great perks to having any kind of website is being privy to the search terms people use to find you. They can give you a good idea of what posts are read often (Goon and Skyrim both being two popular terms here at The Pletteau) and what posts never are. They are also chock full of lawlz. For your benefit I have compiled the best here so that we may lawl together:

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Billy Crystal To Host Oscars Forever

The biggest winner at the Oscars last night? Look no further than host Billy Crystal.

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Great Places to Bring Your Kid!

The Police: The Public's Babysitter

Kids are awesome. It doesn’t matter if they’re laughing or yelling or fighting or running or screaming or crying or whatever. I feel enriched just being around them, which why I’m grateful for whenever their parents bring them into public places. Here are some great places to bring your kids:

Shakespeare Performances

Leanne Scorah and David Ingram, along with their adorable kid Kir, were kicked out of a performance of Shakespeare back in the summer of 2011. The show, put on by Bard on the Beach, recently put in a rule saying no kids under 6 were permitted because they might start crying or yelling or in some other way disturb the actors or audience on stage.

Scorah rightly noted that her child would instantly die if not immediately breastfed so she can’t leave the kid at home, and also noted that one of her rights as a human being is attending Shakespeare plays.

I think it’s unfathomable that anyone would ban kids from attending Shakespeare, especially breastfeeding infants. As we all know, Shakespeare is the ultimate height of culture and if that kid is to have any chance of getting ahead in life, it needs a great name (like Kir) and as much Shakespeare as possible.

Personally, I like it when kids scream at Shakespeare plays. I typically don’t know how to react except by nodding at opportune times or clapping when everyone else does, so having their screaming gives me something else to focus on. I don’t speak Shakespearean English (which, in all fairness, should be translated into modern English as modern English is better) and never will anyway, so whatever.

The Bank

I was at the bank today discussing my sensitive financial information with the staff there. You see, my account was recently skimmed for several hundred dollars and I was notably distressed. I then thought to myself, you know, it would be great if some kids ran in here, started yelling and crying, maybe ran behind some counters, grabbed some flyers, that kind of thing. That would be awesome.

Fortunately, that’s what happened. One lady came in with two kids in tow. One of them ran behind the bank teller counters and started grabbing at things. The other started pulling flyers out of the display they had. The lady, not at all interested in preventing this (and why, the kids are having fun and aren’t hurting anyone), went about her business. Just as I was signing an affadavit regarding the theft from my account, some kid started screaming. The man with her — presumably her dad — did nothing and proceeded about his business. Thankfully.

The Theatre

Like with dramatic performances, I always feel slightly cheated when I don’t have to listen to a screaming kid while trying to watch a movie like The Artist. Kids and (especially) infants are people too, and therefore they have every right to sit in a theatre and yell or cry or complain about how boring the movie is same as everyone else. Bringing kids to the movie theatre, especially for non-kid movies (because kid movies suck, by the way), should be encouraged.

Classy Restaurants 

Like with most places on the planet, it’s great to bring your kids to a nice restaurant. I mean, odds if you have kids you’re taking your wife or husband right? Which means that both parents are occupied and unable to care for the kid. Now, if you’re paying a ton of money for a meal, why the hell should you also have to pay for a babysitter?

I don’t know if I’ve emphasized this enough, but legally it is your right to bring your kid anywhere you want, and this includes upscale restaurants.

The Car

I don’t have kids, but I have a bunch of nieces and a nephew. I tend to do a lot of driving, and I can tell you there is nothing I love more than driving screaming kids around. Sometimes they sit there and fall asleep or talk to eachother or are generally in a good mood, which is boring. But when they start screaming? There is something about the pitch and volume of a child’s scream that doesn’t give me a terrible headache or make me want to swerve into oncoming traffic.

The Bar

Kids at the Bar, Oklahoma City's newest and hottest all-male electronica-pop duo.

Babysitters are expensive, but food at a bar typically isn’t. There’s nothing better than unwinding after a long day of work to watch the game with a bunch of screaming children who don’t like sports and don’t want to be there. I can kind of sympathize: after all, parents are doing the world a favour by raising kids, so we should do them a favour by tolerating their whiny children. Quid pro quo, as Anthony Hopkins said in The Silence of the Lambs (an excellent kids film, by the way).

So, parents, if you’re ever in doubt as to whether or not bringing your kid somewhere is appropriate, remember: it probably is. Don’t hire a babysitter, don’t trick a relative into caring for the brat; just bring them along.

Richmond, Revisited

Vito Corleone, an early advocate of non-English signage in North America.

About a week or so ago, I wrote about Kerry Starchuk and her courageous campaign to end the assault on whiteness in Richmond. Luckily for me, I have intelligent, well-written and attractive friends willing to challenge my opinions, providing an excuse to follow up the previous article with this one.

Ziggystarduzt, of Tumblr fame, writes:

I don’t necessarily disagree with anything you’ve said in the article, but tbh the whole signage thing bothers me to some degree, racist or not.

Like, I’m not about to get all up in arms about things and write letters to the Sun (and can I just say- let’s be honest.. if you’re going to write an editorial letter complaining about this particular subject matter, The readers of the Sun would indeed be the ideal right-wing audience to appeal to…) and I hate that it does sound racist- and it does- but it bugs me that Richmond has become so completely and exclusively accessible to the Asian community.

I completely appreciate the fact that it’s important to maintain your cultural connection, even moreso when you’ve moved to a new country with a new culture, and I can respect that. My issue is not at all with the Asian community maintaining their culture within Canada, it’s more with the level of exclusivity and alientation that it often accompanies.

What I mean is, when I go into a store or restaurant in Richmond, I should be able to receive service. I speak both of this country’s official languages fluently. it is, in fact, a requirement of citizenship, to be fluent in at least one of those languages. The reality is, you have chosen to move to a country that requires that fluency. By all means, hold on to your own culture and language… in fact, I think it’s really important that immigrants do so, as multiculturalism is an important and fantastic aspect of this country. However, by moving here, you are accepting the fact that it is your responsibility to learn our language and co-exist with Canadian citizens rather than simply recreating your own culture in a pocket.

In specific reference to controversy regarding signs and language… I’m French-Canadian. You know this… I speak fluent, flawless French. However the signage laws in Quebec drive me NUTS. I’m sure you’re aware, it’s legal in Quebec to have signage solely in French with no English translation- while in the rest of the country, the laws are very strictly bilingual. As far as I’m concerned, Canada has two official languages: French and English. BOTH should be printed on all public signs and products, in ALL areas of the country.

This is getting way too scattered and pointless…(I do not have your mad writing skillz with the staying on topic and formulating arguments in a concise and linear way :P) but tl;dr, don’t actively exclude people, kthx. This may be bordering on racist, but that is not my intent by any means. 🙂

To be terribly honest, I’m not sure whether the signs bother me or not. In North America, there’s a degree to which we really have embraced the Chinese culture as a big part of our “cultural tapestry,” as it were. And we should, because the Chinese population takes up one big-ass piece of the pie. Does this mean that our immigration laws should no longer apply? No, but here’s the thing: our immigration laws do apply to these communities and these communities are operating legally within them.

It is a requirement that the person applying for citizenship be fluent in either English or French. But this does not apply to the subsequent “Family Visas” which allow a newly-minted citizen to bring over a vast number of family members (Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, siblings, aunts and uncles) without these family members being required to apply for citizenship. And as residents, or legal Visa-holders, they are not required to learn English or French. Then, if these families move into communities that essentially operate like pockets of lil’China (or lil’ anything else), there isn’t much incentive to learn the two official languages if you can get by within your own cultural borough.

As for the signage, displaying Mandarin-only signs is legal (or, perhaps more accurately, not illegal) within the city of Richmond, for better or for worse. But as I said in the earlier article, “legal” and “moral” are often disparate concepts. What I took issue with, and this may not have been clear enough, was Kerry the Social Butterfly’s transparent attack on immigration being poorly disguised as an attack on signage. This is a woman who is being used as the figurehead for the Nazi-esque “Immigration Watch Canada,” which can be found on its own website and through Facebook.

IWC describes itself as “an organization of Canadians who believe that immigration has to serve the interests of its own citizens. It cannot be turned into a social assistance program for other countries. It should never be a social engineering experiment that is conducted on Canadians without the consent of Canadians.” I bet you all of their meetings look like the first 20 minutes of Gran Torino. As you can see, Kerry is quite the social butterfly, indeed.

"I'm here for the Immigration Watch Canada Meeting. I hope there's spinach dip."

Then there’s Kerry herself. The original newspaper article made it sound like Starchuk was a regular feature in her local newspaper’s letters to the editor section, but I was only able to find this one, and it is a gem:


Richmond, a place I’ve called home for my entire life. It has been a wonderful place to live. I used to love it.

Unfortunately, devastating changes have made me feel like a tourist in my own city.

There’s a song  that resonates with me, “You are a Tourist,” by Death Cab for Cutie.

In all my 53 years here I’ve always been able to read the signs but not anymore. There seems to be a growing trend to advertise in Simple Chinese. This is on a storefronts, bulletin boards and vehicles quite often in 100 per cent Simple Chinese. I find this to be discriminating and offending.

As a community, I know we have people from all over the world who have called Richmond their home. These people have respected the Canadian culture and the local people.

I contacted city hall and they told me they have many inquiries about this subject. We desperately need some house rules. It’s time our municipal, provincial, federal elected officials legislate protection for our official English language.

Kerry Starchuk


I honestly have no follow-up to that. It is beautiful, crystalized in its own insanity and lack of self-awareness.

Even worse was her January 16th on-air interview with CKNW at about 7:45 AM in which Starchuk said she said her biggest concern was that things were changing in Richmond and she felt excluded. She stuttered, sputtered and stalled her way through about 2 minutes of softballs like (paraphrasing): “What if you were a private business owner and chose to put up a sign in Greek? Would that be objectionable?” Kerry said she didn’t know how to answer the question. Because, of course, we know the answer is that Starchuk doesn’t have a problem with non-French and English signs, she has a problem with Chinese signs. And explaining, in real time, why you’re a racist can be difficult.

But again, by attacking signage, you are attacking the absolute last stage of this debate and issue. If we were having a serious, mature and responsible discussion about immigration law – a discussion I fear is next to impossible with people like KtSB – then issues like signage wouldn’t need to be addressed at all, as they would be covered by regulations on the need to learn a language or the suspension of Family Visas.

I don’t think these signs are necessarily Mandarin-only because the proprietors wish to keep English-speaking people out. I think that they are Mandarin-only because the proprietors themselves are incapable of communicating effectively enough in English to serve an Anglophone customer. And frankly, when was the last time that you or I stepped foot in the Crystal Mall or International Village or any Mandarin-only or at least Mandarin-leaning establishment in the Lower Mainland in general or Richmond in particular? I can understand a frustration with feeling that, as a bilingual speaker of both of the country’s official languages, there would be parts of your own province not accessible to you, but that’s been the story of North America since its very inception. Commercial Drive may be a Mecca for douchey hipsters now, but it was once (and to some extent still is) the Italian borough of Vancouver. The United States, and particularly New York, has been famous for its neighborhoods subdivided by nationality and, to a lesser extent, language and culture.

A promotional image for The Godfather 4: Generations

Here’s the problem with any immigration debate in North America: with the exception of full-blood First Nations people, we’re all immigrants. But people don’t really like to think of themselves that way – especially if they’re white. In the United States there’s this fantastic narrative about throwing off the chains of religious oppression and building a beautiful chapel on the hill which will act as a beacon of holiness for the rest of the world. To a less zealous extent, North Americans take pride in the advancements in ocean travel, trapping, fishing and other reaping of North America’s natural resources for the gain of England, the Netherlands, France and Spain. I think there were some people already in North America, but from what I can tell, the transition went smoothly.

That's exactly how it happened.

Of course, this proud image of the colonizer only applied if your ancestors were English, French, Spanish or Dutch. If they were Scottish, Irish, Italian, Polish, German, East Indian, Chinese, Japanese or basically anything else not English, French, Spanish or Dutch, your ancestors were filthy scum come to infect our beautiful new nation with their cultural exclusivity, confounding customs, incomprehensible language and/or inability to assimilate.

The beautiful tradition of North American immigration is the same today as it was in the 19th century.

So I have a hard time taking this debate seriously when I feel like it’s being spearheaded by people like Starchuk who are completely ignorant of their own immigration history.

Sarah Arboleda contributed this article to The Daily Pletteau. Read about her here.