Google “The Pletteau”

One of the great perks to having any kind of website is being privy to the search terms people use to find you. They can give you a good idea of what posts are read often (Goon and Skyrim both being two popular terms here at The Pletteau) and what posts never are. They are also chock full of lawlz. For your benefit I have compiled the best here so that we may lawl together:

“kiss ass”
“ass kiss”
“kiss penis google video” (?)
“kissing a bum” (presumably a bum-fight spinoff)
“bum smuggler”
I suspect most people stumble their way to this page while searching for ass kissing. “Bum smuggler” I have no explanation for; I assume someone is either looking for a destitute Han Solo figure or a drug smuggler.

“giant woman swallow men whole alive vore fantasy pics”
Initially not knowing what “vore” was, I laughed.  Vore, it turns out, is short for “voraphilia”, which is a fetish in which one imagines eating, or being eaten, alive by another creature. Weird.

“how do i continue past the skill pick screen in dungeons of dredmore?”
Dungeons of Dredmor is an incredibly difficult game, one which defeats me constantly. While another searcher asked “dungeons of dredmore point of permanent death”, as though attempting to figure out why one would put themselves through the hell of trying to beat that game without dying, this one seems more ripe for lampooning. It is my estimation that if you can’t get past the skill select screen, you’re probably doomed.

“was whitney cummigns on saturday night live”
“who plays xavier laflamme in goon”
“who is the guy that plays laflame in goon”
“who plays xavier laflamme in the film goon”
These searches bug me. Sure, I explain that Marc-André Grondin plays the hotshot hockey player from Goon, but there is a more efficient way to find answers to questions than typing whole phrases into Google like it’s some guy you’re bugging. IMDB, for example, lists practically every role played by any person in any recorded medium (ok, not that extensive…)… there’s even a page for Grondin! 

“why fuck is so important for everybody?”
I imagine that someone was asking why copulation is so important for most people. The answer would likely be that if no one had sex, no one would have kids, and the human race would die out. It is also possible the knowledge-seeker forgot to insert the thing he was looking for and meant something like “why the fuck is ice cream so important for everybody?” Maybe.

“kid yelling at other kids”
Intrigued, I typed this into Google images and got pictures of kids yelling, but no pictures of kids yelling at other kids. I started to type “kids yelling” and Google suggested “kids yelling at each other”, which was much more helpful. Here are some good ones:
 

Redneck children yell too!

Is this racist? Maybe.

“boobs, ass and bums of girls see through without clothes”
Wow. Just. Wow. Not only is this plain weird and a little juvenile, it’s pretty confusing: what is see-through? surely not the clothes, as the author specifies “without clothes”. Are the girls see-through? Or their bums? Why did this bring you here? My faith in humanity has taken a hit this day.

“ＴＨＥ　ＡＲＴ　ＯＦ　ＭＥＴＡＬ　ＧＥＡＲ　ＳＯＬＩＤ　２　ＳＯＮＳ　ＯＦ　ＬＩＢＥＲＴＹ”
This is literally what the search term looks like on my statistics page. I don’t know why the font is like that, but it is.

“trailer park boys goon”
At least one of the Trailer Park Boys is in Goon. Robb Wells (Ricky) plays a sound tech or something for Ryan’s (Jay Baruchel) public-access TV show near the start of the film. There ya go.

“is two times more more important than”
I have no idea.

“police with lost child”
In their defense, that is the first photo on my Great Places to Bring Your Kid! article.

“is tbere a hockey player named doug glatt”
“douglas glatt hockey player”
First off, I think you mean “there”. Secondly, this is probably the worst way to go about getting this information (hint: the movie was based on a book, and the book is semi-autobiographical. Doug Glatt is based on a real dude. Goon is not a documentary.) I  do appreciate the fact that someone looked up “douglas glatt”, presuming that “douglas” would be more likely to pop up results than “doug”.

” “george valentin” “with pleasure” ”
“why valentin in the artists refuses to speak”
Jean Dujardin won an academy award for his role in The Artist and “with pleasure” is his only line and he says it with a French accent. The significance of this is debated and while it is clear that his Frenchiness was one of the reasons why he didn’t want to star in a talkie, it isn’t the only reason and his hesitance is likely meant to send a much larger message, so don’t read too much into it.

“is it stupid to consider rogaine”
“best haircuts for bald spots”
“bald men photography”
“balding shaved head look”
“balding guy and shaved head before and after”
“bald spot on back of head”
“large bald spot on crown”
“how to know if you are going bald”
Balding sucks. Read this. 

“words appear at certain angle”
Yep

“my son’sobsession with the videogames resulted in bad school results”
Several points to make here:
1) and?
2) learn to use a keyboard
3) sounds like your shitty parenting had something to do with it as well
4) part of growing up involves taking responsibility for your actions; it is your son’s fault he sucks at school, not the fault of video games.

“ferris bueller’s metaphor”
There is a lot to unpack here. Presumably we are talking about the character, and not the movie nor the actor Matthew Broderick. We aren’t talking about the metaphor of the movie nor are we talking about a metaphor pertaining to him; we are talking about a metaphor belonging to Ferris himself. Alas, I’m stuck.

“recognize we are on unceded coast salish territory”
To cede is to formally give up power or ownership. I wrote about this phrase here. It is a very annoying phrase used by individuals to make others feel guilty about their heritage.

“wat is an woman’s brave”
???

“screaming and crying”
Ok.

“which games work ar play cards vita”
Sony has done a piss-poor job of  explaining what games the AR Cards work with. They are Cliff Diver, Table Soccer, and Fireworks, all available in the PSN Store for free. 

“what does it mean when you dream about a star wars stormtrooper chasing you”
I will be honest. I have remarked flippantly to most of the previous search terms, but I am taking this one absolutely seriously. I find the prospect of being chased by a Stormtrooper to be absolutely terrifying. Despite being surprisingly incompetent in the Star Wars films, what with their awful aim and poor eyesight, Stormtroopers were elite members of the Imperial Army. They weren’t quite infantry in a traditional sense; the Imperial Army did have an infantry corp and those soldiers were never as well equipped or as well armed as Stormtroopers. The Stormtrooper armor itself is evolved from Clone Trooper armor, and while neither armor could really defend itself against a lightsaber, it was quite capable at deflecting and stopping blaster shots. Stormtroopers were deadly, ruthless, well-equipped soldiers and they’re only recently getting the credit they deserve in the Expanded Universe.

That said, the Stormtrooper could represent a number of things: it could be a faceless and/or nameless enemy or obstacle you have to overcome (even a literal Stormtrooper). I assume in the dream the Stormtrooper is chasing you and while you’re unable to lose him, he’s unable to catch you. This means the outcome of your struggle remains in doubt: you could overcome it, or it could overcome you.

Part of the reason why Stormtrooper armor is designed the way it is is because of the facelessness of it; it’s the same way why figures in authority will typically wear the uniform. Often, the only way to tell two police officers apart are by their badges and by their faces; typically all you remember of an interaction with an officer is the fact that they’re cops. With that said, you could also fear becoming part of that facelessness. It could be because of peer pressure or anything else, but it seems like it is a fear of a loss of your individuality. You’re fighting it, though, and that’s what matters. The Stormtrooper will only stop chasing you when you’re comfortable with yourself.

—

Well, that’s it for this installment. I hope this helped.

---