Billy Crystal To Host Oscars Forever

The biggest winner at the Oscars last night? Look no further than host Billy Crystal.

Billy Crystal can be seen here acting as noted dead black guy Sammy Davis Jr, who died over 2 decades ago. Crystal regularly portrayed Davis on SNL 30 years ago.

Minutes after clearing the stage, host Billy Crystal received the offer of a lifetime from the Academy Awards staff.

“He was asked to host every Oscars forever from now on,” says a source close to Crystal. “The Academy Awards crew was so impressed with his performance, like that bit where he was singing about movies, or that joke about kids watching movies on their phones, that they just straight-up asked him, ‘Hey Billy, you wanna do this forever?’

Of course, Billy asked me, and well, while a City Slickers III or When Harry Met Sally Part Two remains a distinct possibility, this Oscar thing seems like a better bet.”

Crystal, who recently underwent an extreme botox surgery that will ensure he lives for at least another two hundred years, does seem like the perfect candidate.

“He’s the total package,” said our unnamed source. “He can sing, he can dance, he can act! Remember that bit where the camera panned on people and he made jokes that were a little edgy, like a spork, but not too edgy, like a knife? That was brilliant. Billy may not be the youngest host, but look at last year, that was a fiasco. Sure, Billy appeals to the demographic of seniors and people who eat microwaved meals alone, but those people watch movies too, dammit. Like that joke about ‘The Wizard of Oz’ and test screening audiences. People both appreciate being made to feel that most moviegoers are rubes and the best way to do this is to make fun of them for making fun of a classic film from 73 years ago that is mainstream and accessible enough that anyone who has seen it understands it. Could you imagine if they did a Citizen Kane or Gone with the Wind joke instead? No one who says they’ve seen those movies actually has, and even if they have, both films are incomprehensible, anyway.” 

Crystal’s performance received universal acclaim, with most critics noting that hosting the Oscars is “hard work” and that rather than trying to reinvent itself or rebrand, it works best if it is simply reactionary and spends every year reminiscing about past Oscar ceremonies by trotting out old jokes and old performers who are well past their prime and haven’t had a decent acting role for years.

The Academy Awards, coloquially known as “The Oscars”, is a yearly award show both celebrating excellence in film and serving as a soapbox for nationalistic, sexual, and racial agendas, and is watched by several million people every year.

Crystal, who last night was trending on twitter as “Who Is Billy Crystal?”, was unavailable for comment.

I know what you’re thinking, ‘yeah, an article about how unfunny Billy Crystal was, how original’. Last night’s Oscars was one of the most cringe-worthy ones in recent memory. It’s sad that a “celebration” of film is so poorly produced, but I guess that’s just how it is. To his credit, Crystal did make me laugh (in The Princess Bride of course) and last night where he joked about wanting to hug a black person after seeing The Help. It was probably his edgiest joke and it ended up getting him a lot of scorn online. So, while people want a “funnier” or “edgier” or “more relevant” Oscars, they also can’t seem to handle a bit of satire… which means the most we’ll have to look forward to are Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie jokes, I guess.


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