Great Places to Bring Your Kid!

The Police: The Public's Babysitter

Kids are awesome. It doesn’t matter if they’re laughing or yelling or fighting or running or screaming or crying or whatever. I feel enriched just being around them, which why I’m grateful for whenever their parents bring them into public places. Here are some great places to bring your kids:

Shakespeare Performances

Leanne Scorah and David Ingram, along with their adorable kid Kir, were kicked out of a performance of Shakespeare back in the summer of 2011. The show, put on by Bard on the Beach, recently put in a rule saying no kids under 6 were permitted because they might start crying or yelling or in some other way disturb the actors or audience on stage.

Scorah rightly noted that her child would instantly die if not immediately breastfed so she can’t leave the kid at home, and also noted that one of her rights as a human being is attending Shakespeare plays.

I think it’s unfathomable that anyone would ban kids from attending Shakespeare, especially breastfeeding infants. As we all know, Shakespeare is the ultimate height of culture and if that kid is to have any chance of getting ahead in life, it needs a great name (like Kir) and as much Shakespeare as possible.

Personally, I like it when kids scream at Shakespeare plays. I typically don’t know how to react except by nodding at opportune times or clapping when everyone else does, so having their screaming gives me something else to focus on. I don’t speak Shakespearean English (which, in all fairness, should be translated into modern English as modern English is better) and never will anyway, so whatever.

The Bank

I was at the bank today discussing my sensitive financial information with the staff there. You see, my account was recently skimmed for several hundred dollars and I was notably distressed. I then thought to myself, you know, it would be great if some kids ran in here, started yelling and crying, maybe ran behind some counters, grabbed some flyers, that kind of thing. That would be awesome.

Fortunately, that’s what happened. One lady came in with two kids in tow. One of them ran behind the bank teller counters and started grabbing at things. The other started pulling flyers out of the display they had. The lady, not at all interested in preventing this (and why, the kids are having fun and aren’t hurting anyone), went about her business. Just as I was signing an affadavit regarding the theft from my account, some kid started screaming. The man with her — presumably her dad — did nothing and proceeded about his business. Thankfully.

The Theatre

Like with dramatic performances, I always feel slightly cheated when I don’t have to listen to a screaming kid while trying to watch a movie like The Artist. Kids and (especially) infants are people too, and therefore they have every right to sit in a theatre and yell or cry or complain about how boring the movie is same as everyone else. Bringing kids to the movie theatre, especially for non-kid movies (because kid movies suck, by the way), should be encouraged.

Classy Restaurants 

Like with most places on the planet, it’s great to bring your kids to a nice restaurant. I mean, odds if you have kids you’re taking your wife or husband right? Which means that both parents are occupied and unable to care for the kid. Now, if you’re paying a ton of money for a meal, why the hell should you also have to pay for a babysitter?

I don’t know if I’ve emphasized this enough, but legally it is your right to bring your kid anywhere you want, and this includes upscale restaurants.

The Car

I don’t have kids, but I have a bunch of nieces and a nephew. I tend to do a lot of driving, and I can tell you there is nothing I love more than driving screaming kids around. Sometimes they sit there and fall asleep or talk to eachother or are generally in a good mood, which is boring. But when they start screaming? There is something about the pitch and volume of a child’s scream that doesn’t give me a terrible headache or make me want to swerve into oncoming traffic.

The Bar

Kids at the Bar, Oklahoma City's newest and hottest all-male electronica-pop duo.

Babysitters are expensive, but food at a bar typically isn’t. There’s nothing better than unwinding after a long day of work to watch the game with a bunch of screaming children who don’t like sports and don’t want to be there. I can kind of sympathize: after all, parents are doing the world a favour by raising kids, so we should do them a favour by tolerating their whiny children. Quid pro quo, as Anthony Hopkins said in The Silence of the Lambs (an excellent kids film, by the way).

So, parents, if you’re ever in doubt as to whether or not bringing your kid somewhere is appropriate, remember: it probably is. Don’t hire a babysitter, don’t trick a relative into caring for the brat; just bring them along.


6 Comments on “Great Places to Bring Your Kid!”

  1. How dare you attack Moms in this impertinent way!

  2. Anth says:

    I can’t wait for the second edition of this post to arrive. Maybe you’ll cover airplanes?

  3. Jbieker says:

    You’re missing a very important point: at none of these places are kids a problem if they’re well behaved and disciplined. Bratty kids, and parents who are either too lax, too uncaring, or too full of hippie bullshit to keep their kids in line, are going to be a problem no matter where they are.

    Shit, they’ll cause problems at the Chuck E Cheese, and I think we would all agree kids do belong there.

    • James says:

      The majority of kids are brats. I’m sure there are well behaved ones, but I don’t like the odds.

      Though, I doubt there’s a newborn out there who can sit through 3 hours of Shakespeare without crying or making some kind of noise.

    • The majority of kids aren’t brats, but kids are, by definition, humans in progress. And as humans in progress, there are certain rules of etiquette that no matter how hard their parents try to enforce in public will probably not be followed to the letter at all times.

      So kids are fine to scream, yell, kick, giggle, fuss and point in a Chuck E Cheese, a park, a mall, a sporting event, etc., and anyone who tries to tell them to settle down is probably an uptight asshole.

      But there are certain places that ought to only be inhabited by fully-formed humans (a category that does not just exclude children, but rather childish behavior). Plays, grown-up films, fancy restaurants, etc. are just not the place to bring someone who can’t sit still and be quiet for long periods of time no matter how great a parent you are or how great your child is.

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