How to Succeed in the Workplace (Without Doing Your Work)

It’s been a couple of weeks, but I’m back. With the holidays over and folks headed back to work (because the days at work between Christmas and New Years’ are a joke, after all), I present to you a guide:

How to Succeed in the Workplace (Without Doing Your Work)

Searching "ass kissing" on Google Images with SafeSearch turned off returns way more pornography than you'd figure.

Kiss as much ass as possible:

For the seasoned pro, this is obvious. Kiss as much ass as possible, but always remember who’s ass it is that you’re kissing. Only ever kiss up, never down. Your subordinates and your peers are your enemies in the struggle to coast, always remember that. If your boss needs some unrelated work thing done (putting together a chart of some kind[?], coffee run, murder cover-up, murder frame-job, kickback, payoff, whatever), you do it. If there is a chance for you to spend your own money on the job, do it, and make sure that 1) your boss knows you paid and 2) you never ask for reimbursement.

Michael Douglas, seen here playing Michael Douglas in a suit, is the perfect example of this next tip.

Fuck everybody else:

If I’ve learned anything from my years in politics, my co-workers, the actions of previous generations (notably the boomers and gen x-ers), and some clown who almost crashed into me the other day at 3:30AM, it’s this: in the end, you’re the only one who matters. If you can fuck someone over to get ahead, do it. If getting an extra couple billion dollars means plunging the world into an economic crisis, in the words of Jean-Luc Picard, make it so (and then make sure to 1) pass the blame, 2) tell everyone how sorry you are and how essential your continued existence is to the world, and 3) do it again).

Remember that no one else in the world matters as nearly as you do. Your deadlines, your finances, your future even, is more important than that of anyone else. There are only two ways to clear the bar, remember: jump high or lower it. If pushing everyone else down a little bit helps, do it up. Take a lesson from Wall Street: fuck everybody else.

Work hard:

Remember that hard work pays dividends in the end. Shortcuts are for cheaters and only with honesty and integrity can you hope to live with yourself in the end. Always try your best, and remember that success isn’t marked by how many dollars you make or where you wind up in the end, but by the journey that you take.

This is absolutely key.

Get an MBA:

A Masters of Business Administration, or MBA for those in the know, is absolutely essential for getting ahead in life. Without an MBA, you can’t possibly hope to master business administration in any reasonable fashion. It is a known fact that all of the world’s greatest businesspeople, from Steve Jobs Bill Gates Donald Trump Mark Zuckerberg Larry Page Sergey Brin Ivanka Trump Peter R. Dolan to Richard Branson Henry Ford Warren Buffett Rupert Murdoch Kevin Costner Jamie Dimon all  have MBAs. Without one, you’re pretty much screwed. Every company needs someone who can work excel, micromanage, and synergize, and for those three things, you need a MBA. If you don’t have one yet and want to do well in life and in the workplace, stop reading this drivel and go get one. Now.

Really, that’s about it. Chum up with your boss, make sure to talk as much shit about everyone else as you can, and acquire one of the most valuable pieces of paper on the planet (that is, a MBA with your name on it) and you’re guaranteed to be a successful human being.

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