You’re Smarter, More Important, and More Unique Than Everyone Else (So Act Like It!)Posted: December 13, 2011
There’s something you
need to already know. You are the single most important person on the planet. Check this out:
Tell me what you see in that image up there. Almost everybody, it’s some lame quadrangle filled in with grey or some stupid colour. For you, it’s, well, a mirror. And who is in the reflection? You.
I know, I know, you’re smarter, more important, more unique, and probably more attractive than everyone else out there, so this is kind of a waste of time. I’m some halfwit, some rube not worth your time. But please, bear with me. I present to you, oh great one, a list of ways to let everyone in the world know how important you are.
Cut ahead in line:
This, for you, is a no-brainer. Ok, so picture this. You’re waiting in a line, maybe in your car, maybe on foot, whatever. And there’s another line beside the line you want to be in. But that line goes somewhere else. Maybe it’s an actual line for some shitty thing you don’t want (because you’re so smart) or a left turn lane that goes down an alley. Who cares. What matters is this: get in that fucking line, go right to the front, then sneak back into the original line. Everyone would do it if they were as clever as you!
Take up two (or more) seats wherever you are:
Fact: Sitting is great. Other fact: You’re you. Whether you’re waiting at the bank, hospital, or sitting on a bus, make sure to take up more than one seat. Legs tired? Put ’em up (even if your feet are dirty, fuck it). Don’t want to put your bag on the ground (because, fact, floors are dirty)? Put it right beside you. You’re so important that anything you own, by proxy, is only slightly less important than you, making your backpack, purse, iPhone, or shopping bag about ten times more important than the next Steve Jobs were he to be the son of Barack Obama and Pope Benedict. That’s super important.
Don’t smile, say hello to, or even look at strangers:
Fact: you’re awesome. Other fact: that other person isn’t. It doesn’t matter what time of year it is or whatever, anyone who so much as makes eye contact with you is probably a pervert. Don’t say hi or extend any other courtesy. If they’re behind you and you’re going through a door, don’t hold it for them, either. That’ll just encourage them.
You’re always right:
You know that expression, “the customer is always right?” Guess who the customer is. That’s right, you. It doesn’t matter where you are (courthouse, shopping mall, public street), you’re in charge. If some cash register monkey refuses to take your return, tell him to go fuck himself and throw a fit. If you accidentally scratch your phone or whatever days, weeks, shit even months after buying it, call the person you bought it from and tell them it came like that. They’re morons anyway, they’ll probably believe you. If you forget to pay your phone bill or just want a lower rate, call up your provider and tell them what idiots they are. They’re obligated to cut you a deal. You’re you, after all.
CRANK UP THE TUNES:
There are a few things you already know that I should repeat just because it is so very important: wherever you are, make sure you’re there with your music. You have an iPhone for a reason, so make sure you’re pumping the latest Lady Gaga or Katy Perry as loud as you fucking can. If you can override the volume limiter, do it. If you don’t have headphones, don’t be a bitch: just play it through your loudspeaker. Anyone who doesn’t like your music is a clown, and they don’t matter, anyway. Library, bus, public park: the world is your concert hall.
Use language barriers to your advantage:
Pretend you don’t speak the language in your area (bonus points if you don’t actually speak it, and extra bonus points if you have intentionally not bothered to learn the lingua franca because you don’t respect the individuals residing in the place that you are currently in enough to try). Speak slowly, repeat yourself over and over, and be sure to blame any perceived defects in your character on your rich cultural values.
Don’t be a doormat:
There are two kinds of people in this world: doormats and you. A doormat is something you wipe your feet on. Make sure to treat everyone you meet like a doormat. They’re not you, after all.
Cut people off when you’re driving:
This is like the first point, except a little different. You know how when you’re driving and the lane beside you turns into a merge lane? Well fuck that asshole trying to get ahead of you. Cut him off, even if he’s been waiting for awhile. Only morons merge. Conversely, take full advantage of the merge lane. Drive up that fucking thing as far as you can and swerve right into traffic.
Don’t use your turn signal:
What are you, french? Don’t waste your time with that bullshit. Send Miranda that text about how Seamus was being a total dick last night instead.
I know, I know, there are loads of other things I neglected to mention. But as long as you follow this skeleton list of things to do, you should be fine. Because always, always remember:
You’re smarter, more important, and more unique than everyone else — so act like it!